Get told that you’ve been overworking at work, be easily persuaded by friends to join them for a girl’s night. Act awkward like the black sheep of the group so they recognise your annoyance and don’t realise when you slip away. Be alarmed by a screaming hen party driving past you. Get lost in thought about how you’re nearing 30 and have no love life or prospects for marriage. Hear your mum’s voice in your head urging you to get hitched. Come back to reality, engage in polite conversations with your friends. Refuse to be seen as the boring one. Don’t be lame. Get drunk. Get drunker.
Notice a handsome man in his late 30s across your table glaring at you but make sure you act like you don’t really care.
Share flirtatious glances every 4 seconds or so. Giggle like a schoolgirl when he subtly waves at you. Dismiss your friend’s curiosity about why you keep tucking hair behind your ear. Immediately stop tucking hair behind your ear. Wander off into the toilet. Splash water on your face to calm down but don’t ruin your makeup. Always keep makeup appliances in your purse in case you do. You’re not a real lady if you don’t. Be unprepared for what happens next. Let the man in his late 30s caress you like a soft throw. Be available, be expandable, be loose. But don’t be too loose. Don’t let him know what you’re going through by revealing the fatigue in your eyes. Don’t be a woman with too much to lose and not enough to gain. Be able to differentiate a one-night stand from an erotic love making session. Be surprised when you receive beautiful roses at your workplace the following week. Contain the bloodthirsty excitement that overcomes you, to prevent yourself from looking like a desperate, lonely middle-aged woman who doesn’t have a lot of suitors, which you don’t. Be polite and thank the man, act innocent and naïve. All the things a man likes to see in the beginning stages of dating. Fall madly in love with him but don’t neglect your girls, you’d be a bad friend otherwise. Gossip about his pre-marital abilities but don’t brag. You don’t want to seem cocky as if this odd affair didn’t blossom overnight. Don’t be easily offended when one of your friends makes a snarky comment about your past relationships. Forget, forget, forget though you must always remember…
This is how you cook for him; this is how you accommodate his needs; this is how you behave around his friends; this is how you greet his mother; this is how you act alone with him; this is how you move in the presence of his work colleagues at their Christmas party. Act accordingly to the setting presented to you. This is how you laugh at his mediocre jokes: this is how you love him devotedly and unconditionally.
Pick out the wedding dress that makes you look slimmer than you really are. Cry as the special day nears you, as you don’t want to be viewed as impassive. Don’t cry excessively as you don’t want to be perceived as an emotional wreck. Be a woman, don’t be too much of a girl. Walk down the aisle elegantly, don’t stride too fast. Smile at your charming groom before you. Have fun but don’t get too drunk. Realise you’ve successfully married without your mother’s help. Feel accomplished, powerful. Travel 3 years ahead of you.
Sink into your heart of hearts when your husband says less than 4 words to you every day. Hear him call your name, guiding you back to reality. Don’t respond, not yet. Just dance to the slow song playing, breathe in his reassuring smell and fade away in the midst of the present. Don’t dwell on the future. That is how you get him to stay in love with you.
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